From The Director, Kathy Irvin:
March 2010
The incident is still clear in my memory filed under early lessons learned as a young mother. We lived in a rural community in Missouri about 45 minutes north of Kansas City. Our first son was 2ish, and totally adored as we had prayed long and hard for his addition to our family of two. I was standing outside on a beautiful summer day chatting with my neighbor across the split rail fence. She and her husband had recently moved to town from their farm leaving the farm house to their son and his new bride. My son was at my side swinging his foot into my leg, trying to get my attention, while I chatted with this new neighbor. Several minutes into the conversation she bent down and with a quiet but stern voice said, "Don't you ever kick your mother!" Several things happened. He stopped. I turned multiple shades of red. And, she continued on with her conversation as if nothing had interrupted us. In my head I was thinking, "How dare she speak to my son that way!, I am his mother!", "What a terrible mother I am that I can't control my kid.", "I am totally embarrassed.", and "My child is really a good boy"... After I cooled down, I realized that she was right about his behavior and that she was just trying to help me. It was a teachable moment for me more than for my son.
We love our children. We certainly want them to have a strong sense of self. We don't want to hurt their self-esteem. We don't want to embarrass them in front of others...The list goes on. But, as I learned early on, we are not doing our children any favors by ignoring inappropriate behavior, especially in their treatment of us, their parents. So how do we "train" our children to treat us and others with care and respect? I am sure there are many approaches and books filled with advice, but I have found that taking the time to model this approach to life with our actions and with our words seems to be the most effective. How do we treat and greet others, especially our nearest and dearest, like our spouses? What is our usual method of communication? Are we rude, demanding, insulting or honest, thoughtful, and respectful? How do we sound to our children when we are chatting on our cell phones? Do we take the time to comment on how words make us feel, both the good and the hurtful. Do we reward appropriate behavior with relationship and conversation and remove ourselves when behavior is out of bounds and hurtful. This is real life practice and the reality of social survival.
Children thrive on consistent expectations. They will push us until we show them where the line is, until we make it clear what behavior is rewarded with a smile and a thank you and what behavior is unacceptable and makes us sad. We want them to learn to stop themselves and dig deep for the correct response to a situation. Will they make mistakes? For sure! It takes a lot of practice to be a social being. We want our children to develop, deep within them, in their souls, the sense of right and wrong. We want them to form strong, positive relationships. We want to nudge them out of the world of me, me, me into the world of caring for others. It begins with relationships at home, in schools, at church and in neighborhoods, even over the split rail fence.
Kathy Irvin